Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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