I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
