I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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