My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
just do it
fine only cuz shes asian
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
