Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
