that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
