I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
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