I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
