I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Randomize
