i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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