What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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