Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
