Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
