hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
