Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
