I should be sponsored by Trojan
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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