My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Sext me about skeletons
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
