I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she smelled like a LAN party
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
