C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
