sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
She has the best kind of daddy issues
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
