South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
