did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
