My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
what day is it and did you see me today?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
