I feel great
I just peed on a car
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
