My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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