She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
