I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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