you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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