so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
