i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
