Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
