I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
