omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
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