And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
