Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
