Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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