Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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