I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
