Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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