When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
