did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
there's paper in my vomit.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
