sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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