I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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