Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
