new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
