Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
