You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
