Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
