I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
