Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
