I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
